Why your not getting an iPad - A letter to my son on his birthday

Dear Brayden,

I realize you requested a $500 iPad for your 8th birthday.  I am writing you this letter so that someday you will understand why your parents chose not to get you an iPad today.

1. Instead of an iPad, we chose to buy you a $30 digital drum for your birthday.  You are such a talented artist and we can't help but wonder if you have musicality within in.  For years you have always hummed a tune or had a rhythm coming from your lips and now it is time for you to see if that same rhythm comes from your hands.

2. Instead of an iPad, we chose to buy you a Nerf semi automatic gun. Now I know the grandmas in our family aren't going to appreciate this one but you come from parents who believe in teaching their children how to respect a weapon.  There may come a time in your life where you won't be allowed to have a gun but there will always be Nerf. I think this Nerf is the perfect tool to teach you that you never point a weapon at anything you don't intend to harm.  I also want you to learn that you should never put your finger on the trigger unless you intend to pull it.  You will notice that no one else in your house has a Nerf gun as your mother does not believe you are of an age where combat play with other armed people is appropriate. You must first learn to respect a weapon for what it is.  So for now, feel free to take this "toy" outside and pretend those trees are Ninjas.

3. Instead of an iPad, we chose to buy you Legos.  Now I know an iPad can teach you hand/eye coordination but there is something about three dimensional objects that really reinforces this skill.  You have the mind of an engineer so your teachers tell me. I feel as your mother I need to provide you with the tools to   reinforce this ability. Frankly my sweet boy, your hand writing needs some work too. I thought Legos would be much more fun than writing your name 50 times on a piece of paper.  Given the creatures you've produced today, I'd say it was the right call.

4. Instead of an iPad, we chose to buy you a table top foosball game.  We realize you don't like team sports.  We have no intention of forcing those upon you. We do however feel that you need to learn the benefits of playing on a team.  This game will teach you the rules of this sport while affording you with more hand/eye coordination learning opportunities.  So feel free to play golf all summer but know that you must still learn team sports.

5.  Instead of an iPad, we chose to buy you and your best friends foam swords to practice your Ninja moves in the backyard. Any toy that can get you to move that much is worth every penny!

And most of all,

6. Instead of an iPad, I chose to spend time with you.  This one will be hard for you to understand at the young age of eight but some day you will get it.  You see, if I buy you an iPad for your birthday, then I have to buy your sisters an iPad for their birthdays.  Before I know it you will turn nine and expect the next newest and greatest thing.

Three years ago when your sister was born, I made the choice to spend time with you rather than buy you things which I was so guilty of doing when I worked full time. You see, I could have continued to work and let others aid in raising you, and spoil you with the latest and greatest. But dear Brayden, mommy missed you and your sister. So I hope you don't mind that the selfish mommy in me has decided to stay home and raise you rather than buy you an iPad.

So on your eighth birthday Brayden, you did not get an iPad. Instead you got rhythm, games, and ways to build your hand/eye coordination. You got exercise with your friends and family.

What you may not realize is that you also got a mother who could join you at lunch during long school days, volunteer for field trips and help at class parties. You got a mom who could pick you up from school every day and have hot muffins waiting on the table when you came home hungry.  You got a mom who could nurture you back to health when you stayed home sick from school. You got a mom who could spend every day of the summer exploring, teaching and playing with you.  And finally, my sweet Brayden, you got a mom who will give every  moment of her free time researching, learning, and advocating for what you need to be the most successful young man you can be.  So no, you did not get an iPad, but from the looks of things you don't really need one.

I love you little buddy,
Mommy

All parents have to be superheros!

It's 1am and I am startled awake by a frantic cry for help from my 6 year old.  I leap out of bed and sprint to his room at the back of the house as if I were a natural born runner.  I arrive at his side and witness tears of fear as he shakes and points to his curtain saying "there is somebody hiding behind my curtain."  Without an ounce of fear I whip the curtain back ready to engage in hand to hand combat with this intruder only to find that I left his window open from the warm spring day.  I return to his side after showing him it was the wind that moved his curtains and snuggle him back to sleep.  I'm fairly certain he saw the invisible cape I often wear!

As parents, don't we all wear the cape?  Sometimes it is to eliminate a scary bug in the house and other times it is to sooth a fever with the right remedy.  Do children ever stop thinking of their parents as superheros?  I think not. I can remember times as an adult when my father rescued me from a broken down car or my mother made some delicious soup to "cure" my cold.  They are still my superheros.

So what happens when you can't save your child from the evils of the world? The times when they are subjected to mean actions at school? The times when they realize they don't have curly hair like their best friend?  Or in my case, the times when their minds and bodies are inflicted with a disorder that a cold wash cloth or a dose of medicine can't cure.  How do you play their superhero?  They expect it.  They don't worry about it because their superheros always keep them safe.  That is one of the biggest challenges of parenting.

So what do I do as I wait for professionals to "cure" my son? I guess my answer is to pray, advocate and educate. Instead of diving into my next book (the Art of Racing in the Rain), I am diving into books on resistant eaters.  Instead of scouring Pinterest late at night, I am researching treatment approaches.  And instead of splurging on that Starbucks, I'm looking for jobs I can do while caring for my Beaner because good treatment is not cheap.  It's amazing how our children can change the course of our lives suddenly and require us to re-evaluate our capes.  After all, no matter what challenge they throw at us, we have to find a way to be their superheros.

As parents, we are often

A broken heart - "momming" the finicky eater

I debated for a long time about whether to post this because it is not a cheerful post. Like many who blog, most of my posts are about the awesomeness of family life but there are times when life is not so good to us.  In deciding to post this, I realized that if someone else had posted this somewhere, it might have saved my broken heart.  Therefore, I am posting this not to solicit well intended sympathy but rather to help others learn from my mistakes.

The birth of my son, my first born, was an event I had waited for my entire life.  I had spent years working with children and finally I would have my own.  Despite my years of schooling and working with children, I was blinded to the early signs of my son's sensory issues.  I was assured that severe acid reflux was common in babies and something he would out grow; and he did.  Although we questioned why he held his ears when driving by traffic, we never thought his early rejection of food was anything other than normal adjustment.  When he began choking on solids as a toddler, we were assured that it too would pass; and it did.  Then when he refused to eat his vegetables, we were assured it was normal preschool behavior.

During my son's early years, I worked full time and he was mainly cared for by a nanny during the day. I always planned his meals and snacks, making sure each food group was covered.  In some ways, it was the only thing I truly had control over while away at work.  When his sister was born, she too suffered from reflux, normalizing his history in our eyes.  At this time, I began to work part-time to meet her needs.  As she grew, we had a taste of what normal eating was for a baby. She enjoyed foods and ate adventurously. Despite this, we still believed our son just going through the age two to five stage of picky eaters.

After moving to Lexington and working full-time again, we decided to have our third child.  I was determined not to miss anymore of my children's daily lives and quit work after the birth of our little Beaner.  I decided to try homeschooling.  Midway through this adventure, our little Beaner became a very high need baby, much like her siblings.  I no longer felt I could educate my children at the level they required to excel and made the difficult choice of sending them both to public school.

As for as eating, I felt like there were improvements during our homeschooling days.  We did an in depth study of nutrition.  I finally had time to cook and became the "sneaky chef".  My son was gaining weight and eating muffins with everything from spinach to cauliflower in them.   His pickiness continued but I was assured by his doctor that as long as he took his vitamins and ate what I baked for him, he was fine.

In the fall of 2011, our son began kindergarten, along with his sister.  It was a tough decision to make him repeat this grade.  I felt like I had failed him as an educator.  He was socially immature and we knew he needed the extra guidance kindergarten would provide.  After some initial  resistance, our son started to excel academically.  His giftedness as an artist really developed and he suddenly just "clicked" with reading.  The down side was that he was also suddenly catching every virus available.  The colds and strep throat incidents were relentless.  Around Thanksgiving time, we began to notice even more resistance in his feeding.  I still had my magical muffins to give him, along with some good old fashioned peanut butter, so we really didn't worry.  Everyone assured us he would out grow this so we just waited for this to happen.

In January 2012, something drastically changed.  I don't know if it was the disruption from traveling during the holidays or the distraction of a priveleged Christmas, but it seemed like there was very little we could find to feed him.  He continued to contract viruses and with each one, he refused to eat.  Then suddenly my muffins were no longer palatable. He begged for Entemann's Little Bites and other processed foods.

Let me back up a little to say that we had come a long way in educating ourselves on how to feed our children.  We had eliminated high fructose corn syrup, processed goods, additives and food coloring.  We bought mostly organic or natural products.  Processed foods were only given as a "treat" when traveling or by someone other than us.

By the time February rolled around, we noticed some weight loss in our son.  Every time he became ill, he would eat less and less.  Then his snack and lunch bags started to come home full.  I talked with him and his teacher about eating while at school but he always had an excuse.  Sure, he would nibble a cracker or drink an applesauce pouch but that would be it for the entire day.  We decided enough was enough and contacted an agency for food aversion therapy.  We had long before requested the assistance from his school as he was already in speech therapy.  We were denied stating that it did not impact him academically.  I don't know about you but I surely couldn't focus on an empty stomach!  Anyway, we were put on a six week waiting list for therapy!

Last week was a turning point in our lives.  I say this for several reasons.  First, me and my husband never really agreed on the severity of our son's eating problems.  My husband was also a selective eater growing up.  His parents frequently reminded me that they would make him milk shakes and PB&J sandwiches because it was all he ate.  Second, therapy is not cheap and we had sacrificed a large income for me to stay home.  Therapy is hard for some people to see value in especially if they have never had it themselves.  We obviously would have given our son our last dime to make him healthy but we had always been assured that he indeed was healthy.  Therefore, there was no urgency so we figured we would wait until I decided to work again if it didn't improve by then.  Third, I finally saw the whole picture of my son's life and the events that led to where he is today.  That really helped me understand why he struggled with foods so much.  This is what happened last week:

On Friday, our son came home from school complaining of a headache and sore throat.  He had a fever and reported that he couldn't eat all day.   By Saturday, he was incapacitated and miserable. He refused pain relievers (since he can't tolerate the taste) and although probably better for it, that made it impossible to relieve his discomfort.  Throughout the weekend, he deteriorated more and more prompting us to take him to the doctor Monday (one week ago from now). I talked him into taking a bath (it had been 5 days) but that required that I lift him in and out of the tub as he was unable to walk.  I don't normally see him completely naked and when I did, my heart just sank.  He was all skin and bones.  In a matter of weeks he had significantly dropped several pounds. I was scared for his life at this point and couldn't get to the doctor quick enough.

Once at the doctor, he was put through the torture of a strep test (torture for someone with a strong gag reflex),only to find out it was a virus.  I told the doctor I was fearful that he was becoming malnourished so the  doctor assessed his body mass index (BMI).  When he showed me the graph on his computer of a straight line down well under any acceptable range, my heart just broke.  After hearing over and over "he won't starve", my little boy was doing just that.  Our doctor directed him to drink two boost per day and return in one month for a recheck.

As soon as I got home, I called the therapy place and explained his current status.  They were kind enough to accept him for an evaluation the next day.  His fever broke that night and the next day his energy level started to increase.  We talked about the importance of drinking his boost while we try to figure out why he can't eat like everyone else.  In an effort to quickly add weight to his body, we have caved into any requests for "junky" type food.  Suddenly our house is filled with Cheetos, Fruit Loops, and Rice Krispy treats and the kids are in heaven.  It's hard to tell our girls they can't have these treats all the time but their brother can eat as much as he wants.

After a week of drinking his boost and eating lots of Fruit Loops, it appears that he is gaining some weight back.  He surprised me today by trying a cashew (this earns him a check mark toward a toy).  Our priority is getting food into him to gain weight and then trying to retrain his eating into healthier foods.  I was happy when he agreed to try my muffins again and then ate three of them!  I made them extra fatty with thick coconut milk.  The road for our son is going to be long but he is such a wonderful boy and we know he will persevere through this challenge and hopefully learn to find joy in eating healthy foods.

I recently read an article in the March addition of Parents magazine about the fear of new foods (neophobia). In the article, they sited that one of the first steps to take is to rethink conventional wisdom.  These are thoughts we have continually heard from doctors, parents, and family through the years.  They are:

1)  "He'll grow out of it"  - 25% of kids do not!
2)  "He's just being difficult"  -kids really aim to please and many of the reasons for selective eating are innate
3)  "He'll eat when he's hungry"  - our son really proved this to be wrong


So I write this to you as I know there are mothers out there reading this and struggling with the guilt we feel when we can't get our kids to eat.  I also know that my close family and friends read this and may wonder why we are suddenly eating different.  Or perhaps you've noticed how skinny our little boy suddenly looks. I write this so each of you will understand what our son is going through.  One thing I have learned through my years of work as a psychologist is that the more people and resources a family has, the better their chance is for success.  It does no one any good to keep your problems a secret.  We all have them and the blogging world is a great place to learn how to conquer them.

Meal time should not be a battle time and I refuse to have battles at our dinner table.  It is a time for our family to be together and enjoy each other's company.  Over time and through the help of professionals, we are confident that our son will share this joy with us.  For now, I'm just so glad to see this wonderful boy active and smiling again!

Breastfeeding...where's the applause?

This week is National Breastfeeding Awareness week and has me thinking...I know, uh ohh!  Anyway, I'm currently breastfeeding my third child.  My first two were both weaned before 6 months of age due to returning to work when they were three months old.  My career in Michigan required countless hours in court and full days in the field.  I just really struggled with sitting on the side of Michigan Avenue pumping breastmilk.  I felt I had done my duty and didn't mind the weaning. 
Then came my third, little Beaner.  We had since moved to Lexington which was a much more liberal town than any we lived in Michigan.  Most of my close friends make eco friendly choices, utilize organic food for their children and well, breastfeed.  I'm not talking a few months either.  It's not uncommon to be at a playgroup and see a two year old nurse.  When I decided to quit my career and stay home with my kiddos, I also decided there was no reason I couldn't successfully breastfeed for as long as desired by both me and my daughter.  By now, the recommendation was at least one year and if possible, two years.  I was bound and determined. I even took my first breastfeeding class.  The first time I breastfed in public at Sam's club, three different women approached me and commended me for breastfeeding.  My mouth dropped open!  Especially since in Michigan I was given dirty looks for breastfeeding in public on more than one occasion.  So what is my current beef?
Well, here it is.  My little Beaner is 15 months old and happily breastfeeding.  She is my largest child (I raise twigs for kids) which I attribute to breastmilk.  She is a very independent, healthy and happy toddler.  Yet, my support group outside of Lexington often asks me when I'll be done breastfeeding?  It's not uncommon for them to say to my husband, "Is she stilllll nursing?"  My Beaner still co-sleeps and breastfeeds but is so happy! I personally would like my body to my self at times but I really love the intimacy breastfeeding gives you with your baby.  It has truly bonded us so much more than my other two and I only regret that I didn't breastfeed them longer.  I think  I was really expecting when I talked to family and friends an applause for my continuing efforts to give my Beaner the best milk possible rather than being asked when we plan to stop breastfeeding.  My own husband, I love him dearly, but I know he would be glad to see an end to the breastfeeding.  I don't blame him for wanting his wife back but in the end, they are only babies and toddlers for a short time.  Why not give them the best in life? 

So this week, I encourage you to say a word to those breastfeeding moms in your life who might just need that extra applause to keep up their good work.  Just imagine the diseases we could fight with an increased use of human milk?

Peace- A mother's moment

Mother's around the world make numerous sacrifices every day for their children.  I am no exception.  Some do it better than others and some do it to a fault.  When I had my baby Beaner, I made the decision to "do it to a fault".  I think it goes hand in hand with attachment parenting.  I have what I consider a high need baby.  She wants to be cuddled and nursed to sleep by her mother and will accept no other.  She will wake up if I set her down.  This means no peace and quiet for mama!  So tonight, I'm a thief.  I'm stealing a moment.

Beaner was overtired from a short nap and fell asleep around 6:30.  I kindly excused myself from the noise of family time so she could "sleep in quiet".  So here I sat, in our bedroom, on our memory foam bed, propped up on pillows nursing my sleeping baby.  I grabbed my current book entitled "The Sweet Relief of Missing Children" by Sarah Braunstein.  I can't quite say I recommend it.  It's one of those books that constantly changes story lines and time but is still hard to put down at times.  Anyway, back to my peaceful moments.  Here I sat in my quiet room, child nursing in lala land and lost myself to the story.  Readers, you know what I mean.  Meanwhile, the sound outside was heavenly with the pitter patter of a light rainfall.  The occasional rumble of thunder.

It may not sound like much but quiet moments with just one child truly can be medicine for the soul.  How do you find peaceful moments during the chaos of raising children?

Bad momma!

Like most moms, I pride myself on trying to do what is best for my children and sacrificing everything I can for their better good.  Almost to a fault.  As a person that likes to learn from her mistakes, when Beaner was born, I decided I was going to do everything right that I did wrong with my other two.  Beaner was going to be cloth diapered, organically fed, carried in a carrier, breastfed until she no longer wanted and coslept.    That is where the bad momma part comes in.

Ok, enough small talk. The fact is...well, Beaner fell out of bed last night.  There it is.  I said it.  I was woken to a horrible cry that was simultaneous with my hubby jumping out of bed after he heard the thud.   I know what your thinking.  You've dropped, tripped over, yelled too loud or did some other bad momma move at some point.  You see Rooster and Peanut have both been dropped so I was determined not to drop the Beaner.  Remember I'm being perfect momma this time? 

This falling was followed by me staying up most of the night constantly making sure she was breathing and analyzing every groan that she made.  She is totally fine although I'm certain she will have nightmares of falling for a lifetime to come.  As for me, I waded in a bath of self pity all day over what a horrible mom I was only to decide I was a horrible mom for engaging in this selfish behavior with 3 little ones suffering my wrath.  I can't for the life of me figure out how it happened but I beat myself up all day long and have decided it is time to start fresh tomorrow.

I did put her crib together though...

Family dinner... yes or no?

It's 5:00 pm, and junior has to be at basket ball practice, while your little princess has ballerina class immediately after.  What do you do?  Do a quick McDonald's run?  That is the answer many Americans are giving today and unfortunately for our children, it is not always the best answer.

There have been many studies done on preserving the family dinner. Two benefits that appear to be agreed on are that it provides better nutrition for your kids and they do better in school both academically and socially. Many studies site other benefits such as less stress in children, better family relationships, and a time to "check-in" on teenagers.

I became interested in this ritual when one evening I sat my two children at the table for dinner without me and my husband. He was working late and I thought they would be hungry.  My 5 year old refused to eat and said he couldn't eat until everyone was eating dinner.  It dawned on me that this ritual was such an important part of his day. A time when mom and dad were sitting down and listening.  A time when he could crack jokes and have an audience. It was stability and familiar to him so how dare I try to take that away? 

When I think back to my own childhood, I have memories of my brother throwing peas at me during our family dinner and my dad telling me to eat my salad.  Although I didn't really value that time back then, in reflection, it had a profound effect on my childhood. I was never in trouble, I chose friends that also had family dinner times, and our parents always knew where we were for dinner and clean up afterward.

Unfortunately today, many parents feel they must sacrafice this important time so that their child can achieve their highest potential.  I would like to argue just the opposite.  This family dinner, whether it be gormet lasagna or leftovers, is treasured by our children, needed by our families and the foundation of stability in a family.  This meal can occur at any time of the day.  If it has to be 8pm, isn't that better than McDonalds?

A perspective on aging

Tomorrow I turn 40. There. I said it.  I'm turning 40.  How the heck did that happen?  Last I knew, I was buying my first bottle of liquor as a 21-year-old!

This birthday is a little different for me than others.  For some reason, the age of 40 signifies a new stage in life.  In some cases, your life may be half over, but I like to think that mine is just beginning.  I consider myself a late bloomer in life.  I put my career first and had a grand ole time doing it!  The one thing I have wanted more than anything in life is a family.  In fact, my success in life is determined by my family and frankly, in my 30's, I felt like I was failing.  Sure, I met my wonderful husband, and had two great children.  It was not until our third little angel came long that we finally "got it".  This thing called living. I think we finally got it. 

So now I begin my life at 40 as if I was just born.  I am home taking care of my children as I was meant to do.  I gave birth last year to a beautiful baby girl who I continue to nourish with my aging body every day.  If this doesn't keep one young I don't know what does.  I finally have a family marked by traditions, love, comfort, and joy.  I have great plans for this aging body this year, challenging my body and soul to it's max.  So I will take all the fun loving jokes of being over the hill as a dose of medicinal laughter and begin my new wonderful life at 40.  Today, I feel younger than I ever did in my 30's, I choose to begin this stage with renewed energy.  That is just my perspective on aging.

Fostering creativity in children

Last night Roo and Bear were jumping off our coffee table onto the floor.  My first instinct was to yell "what in the world are you doing jumping off furniture???"  As I was about to "put my foot down," Brayden asked for tape with a grin.  I immediately knew his creative juices were flowing so I decided to break the rules and see what my kiddos were up to.  Together, they grabbed some paper and drew bird wings.  They enlisted daddy's help to tape them to their arms.  What followed was 30 minutes of flyng off the table, flapping their new wings and talking about different types of birds. A creative moment was born!

So how do we help our children have these moments?  Some children are naturally more creative then others, but all children are creative.  Unfortunately our society bombards our little ones with video games, cell phones and other gadgets that promote passive play and hinder their creative juices.  Don't get me wrong, my kids both have Leapsters but it is a battle to limit their Leapster time.  It is easier for me to tend to Beaner when they play their Leapsters.  I have found, without fail, that when I take them away, creative moments appear.

When I was a child, we didn't have all the plastic toys and video games available today.  We made toys out of straws, forts out of hard books and blankets, and superman capes out of blankets.  I have discovered these same skills in my own children when there is nothing to play with.  They make sheep out of socks, stick people out of pencils, and wings out of paper.  We have tried to steer away from comercialized toys for our kids as we have noticed they limit creativity.  The old fashioned Tinker Toys, Lincoln Logs, and blocks always lead to creative play for my kids.  Finding the balance between their desire for commercialized toys and the need to foster creativity can be difficult for any parent.  I often have to remind myself, they will get over their disappointment and engage in the all important creative play if we as parents provide the right tools and the right examples.  So let's roll up our sleeves, build a fort and unplug those video games!