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Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Bad momma!

Like most moms, I pride myself on trying to do what is best for my children and sacrificing everything I can for their better good.  Almost to a fault.  As a person that likes to learn from her mistakes, when Beaner was born, I decided I was going to do everything right that I did wrong with my other two.  Beaner was going to be cloth diapered, organically fed, carried in a carrier, breastfed until she no longer wanted and coslept.    That is where the bad momma part comes in.

Ok, enough small talk. The fact is...well, Beaner fell out of bed last night.  There it is.  I said it.  I was woken to a horrible cry that was simultaneous with my hubby jumping out of bed after he heard the thud.   I know what your thinking.  You've dropped, tripped over, yelled too loud or did some other bad momma move at some point.  You see Rooster and Peanut have both been dropped so I was determined not to drop the Beaner.  Remember I'm being perfect momma this time? 

This falling was followed by me staying up most of the night constantly making sure she was breathing and analyzing every groan that she made.  She is totally fine although I'm certain she will have nightmares of falling for a lifetime to come.  As for me, I waded in a bath of self pity all day over what a horrible mom I was only to decide I was a horrible mom for engaging in this selfish behavior with 3 little ones suffering my wrath.  I can't for the life of me figure out how it happened but I beat myself up all day long and have decided it is time to start fresh tomorrow.

I did put her crib together though...

6 comments:

Kim said...

You are NOT a bad mama....I think we've all been there....I think 2 out of 3 have bit the dust, and I too stayed up all night to watch their breath and check their eyeballs! LOL This isn't as bad as the choking hazard I put in Parker's 1 year old reach...back in the good old day when walkers were around, he walked his but up to a bushel of silk flowers, plucked a bloom and shoved it into his mouth, I had to hoist him um, dump him upside down and bang the crap outta his back...talk about BAD mama....to this day I'm horrified that I missed that ONE hazard...it happens to us all...you'd only be a bad mama if you DIDN'T feel bad about it. LOL I love you, your babies love & trust you, so don't doubt yourself...I always say it's a learning moment for me...so what did I learn! LOL Sounds like you did the same. But YOU my darling is an AWESOME mom....never doubt!!!! xoxo

Kim said...

PS....ouch....this story of yours brought me back to the thuds I've heard that still rattle in the back of my mind...lol...still makes me cringe! LOL poor mama, glad beaner is a-okay!!! Now mama needs some healing...Gary, give Stacey a back rub pleazzzeee! xoxo

Kasey said...

LOL! I'm sorry to laugh, but I completely understand. In fact, I blogged just the other day about priding myself with doing things so much "better" now than six years ago. Just yesterday I almost lost it because Landen bled for the first time in his life. We aren't vaxxing yet and he never had so much as a heel prick at birth, he's never been injured and so, until yesterday, the boy had never shed a drop of blood. Until he went grocery shopping with Daddy, cried in the car seat like every other time he's in it, and scratched is own face. And then I felt terrible because I knew he hates car rides, and sent him anyway. :(
We're human!

BTE mom said...

Thanks everyone! Sometimes we forget how resilient children are

Emmiegram said...

A "bad momma" wouldn't be that concerned, my friend. Stuff happens, and our children live through it. I'm glad you've been able to get past it and move on. Us Aquarians expect a lot out of ourselves, don't we?

BTE mom said...

We definitely expect perfectionism at times! Thanks for your comment